I went to a funeral this afternoon. A funeral for the husband of the Social Work Department's secretary. I then came home only to write a paper about death and dying for Death and Grief in Contemporary Society class.
And then do you know what I did? I put on my favorite Christmas saxophone music, threw on my warm fuzzy slippers, and sat for a bit, sipping the closest thing to hot chocolate I could come up with--hot cappuccino.
And I thought.
If I knew today was the day I was to die, what would I do differently?
Why is the topic of death so shunned?
Why do we deny death like we do?
A dying man once said "Everyone knows they’re going to die, but nobody believes it. If we did, we would do things differently."
What would I have done differently today? Would I be here, at Andrews University, in graduate school pursuing a masters degree? Would I have spent more time talking to Susan instead of rushing off to finish a paper? Would I have let myself get annoyed at a friend and consider breaking off the relationship? Would I have spent my money more wisely? More importantly, my TIME more wisely?
And then my favorite song came on that someone so kindly added to my Christmas album- What a Wonderful World (saxophone edition). (Meghan, you should get out your saxophone! And play for me. :) Do you ever play anymore?)
And I thought some more. I thought about how people give me weird looks when they know I plan for my death. Such as when I filled out Durable Power of Attorney papers. Or at the bank, when I set up a new savings account and specified that I wanted to name a beneficiary. So what if I look like I'm 16. So what if I'm single. Do you know how many 16 year-olds die in a given day? Enough for me to plan.
I went to a funeral today. A young man who was terminally ill. A man who left a wife and five children. A man praised for his relationship with God and his expression of that constantly, in every situation. His surviving wife was so strong. So beautiful. So graceful.
Benoni was his name. He was Jewish. His whole family is Jewish. It was a cultural experience.
So now I'm going to take a hot shower and ponder some more. Then I'm going to put on my fleece pajamas and tuck myself in between my flannel bed sheets. And listen to one more rendition of I'll be Home for Christmas.
But before I do all that, you need to know:
I love you. I cherish you. I'm sorry for getting annoyed. For debating breaking off a friendship. For rushing too quick to finish a paper. For thinking this world has all to do with me and not you.
So here's to life. And the reminder I've been given to live it like I should.
3 comments:
you are beautiful, tennille. miss you.
Hey there! Yes, I've been ready for Christmas for quite some time now. I just can't wait until I can break out my Christmas stuff and go crazy! Especially the music. But we need to get through the Fall stuff first. But when those leaves are gone, all bets are off baby. And no, I haven't played my saxophone since DAA. It's sad, but I was never real good anyway. Well I was good compared to the others, but overall, I wasn't the best. And though I do think it's a bit of a morbid blog, I do not think that it's silly to do POA and beneficiary things. When we got married I made both Just and I sign Living wills and POA documents. Justin has life insurance to take care of me if he dies, I have the same. It's just the smart thing, really. I often struggle with the time I'm spending doing schoolwork, homework, etc in the whole span of things. But then I think it has to be a balance between making the most out of life and planning for the future, because there is a future and graduate school IS making your future better. By improving yourself now you can improve you life later. So anyway. :) love you!
You are forgiven. :)
-mw
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